Here it is, June 6th, and I’m roughly halfway through my sabbatical – and quite disappointed in my progress thus far. I have managed to fall back into the old habits that I’ve been trying to change, and I have not yet successfully managed to complete any of the goals I set for myself.
Wow, I didn’t realize how hard it would be to admit that.
I have allowed things to get in my way. One of the things that’s bad about me is my level of focus. It’s not that I have a bad focus when it comes to my work and clients – not that at all. (I have a sincerely disgusting work ethic.) It’s that I always let my needs (and those of my business) to fall by the wayside. I focus too intently on what I’m doing for others, and I don’t focus on myself.
It’s sort of like that thing that they say, about taking care of yourself first? Because if you don’t, you won’t be around to take care of anyone else? Like that. This is the major point about me, and the big one I really wanted to change this year. I love helping other people. I love to solve problems. I will lose sleep for someone else’s issue – and the big downside is that I do take failure personally. I tend to make other people’s problem mine to solve.
Six months into this sabbatical, I haven’t changed this behavior. I’m supposed to be taking time off and focusing on me, and my business – not for selfish reasons, but instead to make me stronger so I can continue helping others – and instead I’m still putting out fires. Like I did last year, and the year before, and the year before. My focus has shifted – yet again- to the needs of others, and placing them before mine.
And I feel so disappointed in myself for it.
I cannot figure out why I see other colleagues of mine, others who are less talented and passionate than I (yes, I do know I’m not a complete loser, and I am self-aware of my own abilities and that I do have some good points to my work aside form my ethic) soar higher than I do. No, I should not focus on how well they are doing – save to congratulate them and wish them well, which I do – and compare myself to them. But their successes are bittersweet, because I know if I’d put half as much focus on myself as they did, then I would shoot right by them and they’d be eating my dust. I’m so happy for them, but I really wish I could do half as well for myself.
As my husband says, wish in one hand…
This is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I know my obstacles, yet I feel like all I can do is stand there and look at them, and help push other people over them, because I feel guilty if I don’t. And what is really upsetting is that more than half the people I help don’t even bother to help me back, or even thank me for the assistance I give. I feel like that lonely girl in the high school halls who will do anything to make the popular kids like her, and even when they abuse her, all she wants is their respect and admiration – so she keeps getting pissed on in hopes one day they will realize her value. It’s kind of pathetic. And sad. (And amazingly, a lot like my high school daughter – wow, what a perspective!)
So that’s where I’m at – six months in. Just as lost as ever. So what do I do about it? Let’s try and turn this into a positive thing. I know what my problem is – and knowing the enemy is halfway to winning the battle against it. What I need is a strategy. I overthink. I look at all the possible actions I can take, and get frozen by which is the right one to choose. So I need to choose. I need to stop wavering, make a choice, and follow that choice unwaveringly. I need to stop deviating from my path, stop worrying about things that are not on this path.
Sounds good, doesn’t it? Yeah, it does. Now I
need to see if I can must do it!